Meditation

Today I listened to Shamanic drums and the sound of waves and didn’t do a guided meditation. I was able to meditate for about 30 minutes but it didn’t feel like a complete isolated mediation. I will definitely try to envision this one again. I feel like I wasn’t strong enough yet to fully understand or act on what I thought I should be doing.

I started the meditation by following a path and quickly came to a set of stairs that went down to a beach. I’ve been here at this beach before. I know this beach and these stairs. It’s the same beach scene I’ve used to enter some of my other meditations. This time there was a campfire down on the beach. I didn’t see a huge fire though. As I walked down the stairs, I could see and hear people at the fire, chanting and drumming. But when I got down to the fire, I was alone. There was no one with me.

I could hear the drums clearly. Sitting down by the fire, my three guides from my last meditation quickly appeared to me. I saw two snakes wrapped along my arms and felt a crow on each of my shoulders. The bear was standing on the other side of the fire watching me. I heard the music change slightly and watched the bear walk away into the distance. As I stood up to follow him, I noticed an injured deer laying on the other side of the fire.

As I approached the deer, the sky started to dim and enter night. I looked up and saw the moon and felt its energy. The drumming picked up and I knelt down by the deer. I moved my hands on top of the deer to heal it (?) but the deer didn’t move. Whatever I was doing wasn’t working and just felt wrong. So I got up and started to dance around the fire but I couldn’t get into a rhythm. Then I heard the water again. It was much stronger now. I could hear the waves moving to the rhythm of the drums and the moon.

I felt the need to go into the water so I took off my clothes and walked forward. Looking down, I could see and feel water running through my fingers. Looking up, I felt the power of the moon come over me. I knew I needed to cleanse myself so I immersed my entire body and head underwater. I stayed underwater for a little bit and came up looking back up at the moon and hearing the drums strongly.

I walked out of the water and toward the deer again. I began to put my hands out over the top of the deer’s wound and felt tingles in my hands. But the tingles weren’t strong enough to heal the deer. I could feel someone behind me and turned around and saw a shaman – I think I’ve seen him before. He said without speaking, “Dance”. So I got up and started moving in a flowing rhythm around the fire again. As I moved around the fire, I realized the crows were back on my shoulders and the snakes wrapped around my arms again. But now I was wearing a big bear fur with a headpiece over my head. As I danced, I got warmer. The fire heated my skin. I went back over to the deer and put my hands on top of him once again. This time, I felt the energy coming through my body but it was faint. I could feel it move through me but not at a high level. It was low and wasn’t high enough to heal the deer. I stayed over the deer for awhile but nothing changed. The energy never got stronger.

The music changed again and I heard the shaman say “It’s time.” So I stood up and started walking back to the stairs. As I walked up the stairs, I noticed that I was fully dressed again and looked back to see the spirit animals were on the beach behind me. The bear was standing once again with the crows and snakes.

I will definitely try this meditation again. Not sure why I saw a deer or why the bear walked away. But I had this feeling of not liking water.

In my waking life, I love hearing the sounds of water and sitting by water. I love the rain and storms for sure. But I’m not a big fan of being immersed in water. The more I think about this, I see a pattern. I will go into water like a swimming pool or a lake, but I won’t stay in it long. I get cold quickly even if the weather is very hot. I can’t just stay in it like my family can. I am not a big fan of baths but will take them occasionally with Epsom salt but don’t do that regularly. I will sit in a hot tub for a little while but then have to get out within a few minutes. I don’t even shower every day. When I’m sick, the thought of taking a shower repulses me. I know some people feel refreshed with a shower when sick or use them to bring down a fever. But not me. I will end up taking a shower once I’m feeling better – like towards the end of my illness – to cleanse. But in general, I’m usually not a big fan of getting into water. I used to think this was because I didn’t want to do my hair afterward. Showers can be a production with longer hair. But the more I am thinking about this now, my thing with water extends to all water not just showers. I don’t mind my hands being immersed – like doing the dishes. It’s just my full body.

DAILY MEDITATION: Power Animal

In today’s meditation, I journeyed to the underworld to meet my animal spirit guide. At the beginning of the journey, I came across a few animals: rabbit, frog, lion, tiger, giraffe, elephant, caribou, deer. These animals came up to me but then ran off. They didn’t come back. As much as I tried to meet only one spirit guide, there were three animals (and a remote 4th) who came up to me and remained with me – a brown grizzly bear, 2 black duo colored snakes, and 2 crows. Not only wouldn’t they leave me, but they also touched me and allowed me to touch them.

After entering the underworld, I began walking down a path in a dark forest. As I was walking, a big brown grizzly bear came up to me first. He stood up on his two hind legs and roared at me. He let me look into his mouth and touch his face. As I continued walking, he began to walk directly next to me. I felt the bear’s power. “I AM YOUR STRENGTH.”

Continuing on, I came to a cave-like room. There were black snakes moving all over the floor (like Indiana Jones). I wasn’t afraid and they seemed to move out of my way as I walked through the room but none of them approached me directly. The bear walked beside me through the snakes. Once on the other side of the room, I looked back to see two snakes following me. One snake was red & black with specks of orange and the other was yellow and black. As soon as these two snakes slithered up to me, I reached towards them and they went right up my arms and then down my body. I HATE SNAKES. I really do. But for some reason, I didn’t have a problem with these snakes being on me. I wasn’t repulsed. I didn’t look away and I didn’t flinch. I just watched in a kind of wonderment. After they slithered down my body, they went back up and wrapped themselves around my arms. I heard the snakes. “WE ARE YOUR MOVEMENT.” They told me that they have the ability to move easily anywhere. Slither anywhere, a snake in water. They didn’t hide and moved with purpose which made them powerful.

I came to a lit campfire and sat down. The bear laid down next me to and let me run both of my hands up and down his body. I was able to get my fingers deep into his brown fur. He then let me rest my head on him. Two black crows flew over me and as I sat up, they took a seat directly on my shoulders. I could “feel them” looking at me out of the side of their head – one eye seeing sideways. It felt like they were looking deep inside me. As they sat on my shoulders it felt like they saw everything but with a “different all-knowing” eye. They could see darkness and understand deep secrets and hidden paths. I knew the crows. “WE ARE YOUR VISION.” But it wasn’t like an overviewing vision an eagle might have. It was a dark knowing sight, an unafraid knowing. It felt like seer knowledge but not that of a soothsayer but more of wisdom, ancient knowledge and magick.

Off in the distance, I noticed a peacock. He flaunted himself and widened his feathers to let me see all of his colors. But he didn’t approach me, touch me or let me touch him. He stayed off in the distance but not too far away that I couldn’t make out his detail. I took this to mean that when I’m ready to let my true self come out, he will be there for me. For now, he is waiting patiently in the distance letting me glimpse his full magnificent beauty.

I got up from the fire and started walking with the three animals back down the dark forest path. The bear stopped walking next to me and laid down to let me climb onto his back. I sat on top of him, clutching his fur in between my fingers. The two crows sat prominently on my shoulders making themselves very known – and feared? – and the snakes were wrapped confidently around my arms from my shoulders down to my hands. The animals felt like POWER. Magnificent and terrifying POWER and that power flowed through me.

MY RESEARCH

When Bear stands as your SPIRIT ANIMAL, it’s time to be courageous. Bear teaches you to trust your instincts and let go of all that blocks your path. It’s a sign your higher self is preparing you for a position of leadership – if only in your own life. Bear keeps you grounded and holds you firm. Bear is among the ultimate protectors. Once that kind of bravery takes root in your soul, it will forever be there. Bear also helps you self-examine and you might need “cave time” to listen to your heart instead of all those other voices who think they know what’s best for you. Bear is a guide on your journey for honing your insight, physically and emotionally. Bear can help you discover, acknowledge and empower personal abilities that you may underestimate. Release whatever holds you back and embrace Bear’s wisdom. Bear is especially helpful when you need to stay grounded. Bear energy can help you find your balance and stride through any situation. Bear represents extremely strong Medicine, including the special powers in the areas of wisdom, strength, and healing.

As a power animal, the Snake will guide you through your transformation. If you want to bring about significant changes in your life, the Snake will help you shed your skin. When Snake slithers in as your SPIRIT ANIMAL, the mystical will become the norm. Snake teaches you how to get in touch with the Earth Mother and to see things anew. When Snake starts appearing as a guide, it is time to cast away illusions, unhealthy beliefs, and unreasonable expectations. Give up the “would haves”, “could haves” and “should haves” and focus on NOW. Snake comes to help you when you struggle with your passions and pleasures and experiencing them wisely, without guilt. The Snake opens Chakras, particularly the Base Chakra. Snake energy causes us to consider life and death matters. When Snake slithers in as your Spirit Animal, things are about to get “real”. When you open yourself to Snake Energies, you are also opening yourself to changes that eventually manifest in Spiritual renewal. The changes you’ll endure are not always simple or without emotional pain, but once you conquer the challenges you’ll face, that’s the moment true healing begins.

The Crow SPIRIT ANIMAL represents wisdom and insight. The Crow symbolism amplifies your power of sight and any connection you may have with magic in your life. If the Crow chooses you, it supports you in developing the power of sight, transformation, and connection with life’s magic. The Crow is seen in many shamanic traditions as the spirit animal of choice for those who use magic and have the power to manipulate the law of our physical universe. The Crow is an amazing advocate for improving your insights. Working with Crow energy and medicine you can begin to see how energies mix, mingle and transform on an alchemical level. Crows are very protective and work effectively to chase off a seemingly impossible foe. With Crow in your life, you’ll have a natural desire to safeguard the little guy, defend your territory and speak your truth without fear. Crow may appear when you doubt that you’re smart enough to accomplish your goals and dreams. With Crow’s power, it’s definitely time to think and live out the box.

Peacock teaches you about past life lessons, and how the right use of color instills magic into your world. When Peacock’s spirit makes itself known in your life, it’s time to look at things differently. Walk the path of gratitude. Peacock’s message is one of confidence. Look at your talents and transferable skills and find a way to set your goal in motion. Peacock ANIMAL SPIRIT is a healer. Peacock may be reminding you that it’s ok to shake your tail feathers. You have talent that others overlook because you stay on the sidelines. Strut your stuff. Peacock teaches us how to use our true-seeing abilities and release our spiritual vision. Seek out Peacock as a power animal when you explore your past lives and the lessons they offer.

And as I researched the above, I also found my birth totem animal. Interesting that its lesson is to trust flying outside of the formation. Its life purpose is to be different and trust in that difference.

Birth Totem: Snow Goose
Northern Hemisphere: Dec 22-Jan 19
Direction: North
Element: Earth
Stone: Quartz

Snow Goose people are seekers of spiritual enlightenment at the highest levels.

Snow Goose’s love belongs to no other than a true twin flame.

Snow Goose’s lesson is to trust that flying outside of the formation is OK.

DAILY MEDITATION USED: The Seven Gates

Gate 1: Crown – Mine was very simple and very light. With a strip of gold around and 1 small marker on each side symbolizing the 4 elements (earth, water, air, and fire).
Gate 2: Necklace – Very ornate and VERY HEAVY. I felt it symbolized my inability to speak up for myself because I haven’t healed from childhood issues.
Gate 3: Cloak – Black cloak with one of those huge hoods. I felt that I wear it to hide.
Gate 4: Shirt – This was black lace with white coming through. Flowy arms. I felt freedom with this – like if I twirled around the arms would flow.
Gate 5: Rings – My wedding ring and a few new rings that I bought myself. This was my connection to my family.
Gate 6: Pants/Undergarments – I was wearing this flowy skirt. I felt this was my shame and guilt. It was long and dark.
Gate 7: Shoes – Flats. Not sure why I saw myself wearing flats but they weren’t very comfortable.

Today I saw a little girl who was a shadow of herself, wrinkly, alone, abandoned. She resembled a piece of charcoal with flakey sooted ashy paper-thin skin. She has been so neglected and not watered for most of her life that she is withered and dying. She wore thick heavy chains around her neck and feet, keeping her from moving forward. She couldn’t speak because her throat was so dry from not being used. We sat and cried together, mourning the loss of her gifts.

• She hates me for pushing her down for so long.
• She hates me for taking away her voice.
• She hates me for allowing others to take away her voice.
• She hates me for forcing her to hide.
• She hates me for not letting her come out to play.
• She hates me for abandoning her.
• She hates me for forgetting who she is.
• She is the girl who was overly boisterous and often got into trouble in preschool and threatened to be slapped on her hand with a ruler if she didn’t stop talking.
• She is the girl who was a “busy-bee” and got in trouble in Kindergarten and was punished at home using an early tiered bedtime based on how her teacher reported her behavior from the previous week.
• She is the girl who always talked nonstop in 1st grade and was often called out in front of the class and made to sit in the corner.
• She is the girl who wrote crazy good short stories her 8th-grade classmates loved to hear and then never wrote again.
• She is the girl who couldn’t handle traditional English classes, so she believed that she wasn’t a writer.
• She is the girl who was afraid to share her thoughts verbally or in writing for fear of being judged for her beliefs.
• She is the girl who was always criticized by her parents for not conforming, being different and liking things that were different.
• She is the girl who was always judged by her mother; nothing was ever good enough.
• She is the girl who couldn’t just say “No” because there was always a “Why not” that followed.
• She is the girl who had to “write a dissertation” to defend her actions all the time. Inquisitions from her mother are still common.
• She is the girl who had verbally, and sometimes physically, abusive parents when she didn’t conform to what they believed or who they thought she should become.
• She is the girl who didn’t follow the life path she wanted because it caused too much conflict that she didn’t have the strength to deal with.
• She is the girl who was loved conditionally by her parents.
• She is the girl who would spend time by herself because it was easier.
• She is the girl who cried alone.
• She is the girl who didn’t embrace her true self.
• She is the girl who wouldn’t stand up for herself and just walk away.
• She is the girl who didn’t find a way to scream, “Because I want to. This is MY LIFE.”.
• She is the girl who was silenced again and again until she was finally thrown away, abandoned.

This is the girl who no longer knows herself.

This is the girl who I abandoned.

This is the girl who is my shadow.

This is the girl who has no name.

I am this girl; she is me.

After sitting with the girl for a while, it was time to leave. This was a very hard moment for me… to leave this little girl standing there alone by herself not fully healed yet. This moment in the meditation was so powerful for me that the thought of leaving this little girl made me physically start to cry, and I just let the tears flow down my face.

Walking back, I put everything back on.

Gate 7: I threw away the shoes. They were uncomfortable and I didn’t put them back on.
Gate 6: I put the skirt back on. It was lighter this time – like a petticoat was removed from underneath. The skirt was airy and flowed. As I spun around, it danced for me. Hopefully, that means some of my shame and guilt flowed away too. I see twirling the skirt symbolizing letting my shame and guilt drift and float away.
Gate 5: I put all my rings back on. These were never an issue.
Gate 4: I put my top back on too. I see this top being pretty – different. Letting me be me.
Gate 3: I put the cloak back on too but left the hood down. I feel the cloak protects me (lets me hide when I need to) but I’m hoping to take it off it or at least keep the hood down more so I can be seen.
Gate 2: I threw away the necklace. I couldn’t put that back on. It was ugly, gaudy and very heavy. Hoping this helps break the silence and allows me to find my voice.
Gate 1: When I went to put the crown back on, I didn’t see the same crown. The structure was the same, but now I was looking at a crown of flowers all around it and the 4 small points were much longer and larger. I feel this symbolizes my connection with the elements grew and my mind and thoughts are now ready to flourish.

And even now as I write this, I still feel like who am I to complain? I have a good life. A great family. It all worked out. Right? I mean, there are so many more people in this world who are in far worse condition than I am. Shut up because your stupid pains are nothing in comparison to theirs. Who are you to talk like this?

I must learn to silence that crap and speak up for myself. Express my own thoughts and my feelings. My voice may one day help someone else.

So who am I? I am that little girl finding her voice again. I am all of me.