A few weeks back when I was blog reading about “changing my path in life” – well let’s be honest more like reading about depression and self-worth… I started thinking more about the HOW part.

• HOW did I lose 30lbs doing the Body for Life program 12 years ago?
• HOW did I go to the gym EVERY day?
• HOW did I develop RTech into a sustainable business that would PAY ME?

I’ve been drowning in the “final product” and ALL THE WORK I know it took to get to those points.

With weight loss… I was going to the gym almost two years pushing myself 5-6 times a week – some days going twice and some days taking my kids to a sitter just to go to the gym.

With RTech… I was working all crazy hours of the night trying to build my business – WITH toddler TWINS no less. It took me 4 years of working RTech HARD to get to the point of paying myself a decent salary. 4 years of crazy hours. 4 years of working on vacations while my family went to do something without me. And after 4 years of building the business and creating a good infrastructure, I had enough of the 24/7/365 stress and sold the damn business.

Do I really want to do all that again? I’m still not sure and that’s the hang up.

I’ve had an idea for a new product running around in my head for about two months now. I think it could be successful. I can’t seem to push the pedal down to start moving forward with it, yet I can’t seem to pull the plug on it either as I think about it a lot.

But all I seem to be able to see is the amount of work I know it’ll take to get there. My ideas are running away with themselves and creating more and more work and the project hasn’t even started yet.

When I created RTech or even started losing weight, I was NAIVE. Very naive. And honestly… that HELPED… A LOT.

When you’re naive about something, it’s a hell of a lot easier to take that first step. You don’t know what you are really getting into. And by naive I don’t mean ignorant about the topic or not confident in your own abilities which is something entirely different.

I’m specifically talking about being naive of the work involved to get you from point A to point B to point E to point M… etc.

My naivety allowed my vision to develop over time – as my business grew and developed, my naivety went away. But by then my business was on the right track and had momentum behind it.

THIS TIME… I am fully aware of the work that it will take.

And that knowledge or lack of naivety has paralyzed me. 

My momentum has stopped.

So HOW did I do it before? And why can’t I do that now?

The more I’ve thought about this, the more I’ve come to the decision that it was all about habit building. My schedule was different back then. I was more on a schedule – even if I didn’t realize it at the time.

When I was first starting out, I worked a lot during the day (even with the kids around), made dinner, crashed on the couch from 7pm-10pm, got up at 10pm and worked until 2am, went to bed and got up at 8am with the girls and got them breakfast. They watched TV at the end of my bed while I kinda of slept until 10am. Fed them lunch around noon and worked during the afternoon – sometimes taking the girls out if it was nice.

Once the girls went to preschool, my schedule became less crazy. I dropped the kids off at school then went right to the gym then came home and checked on business things. Picked them up. Worked in the afternoon. After 5pm unless there was a server crisis I turned the computer off. This was my first attempt at developing a “normal” schedule.

Over the past year or so, my life has turned into couch sitting and ipad game playing. It got really bad over this past summer. So bad that I seriously thought I was going through a depression. Maybe I was.

I think my ankle break played a big part into the downward spiral I was going through. But even though my HEAD was telling me it was just my ankle, I couldn’t get my BODY to get up and move or do anything productive to break the cycle.

Enough!

A few weeks ago when the kids went back to school, I decided I needed a big change. I had read somewhere (can’t remember which blog) about asking yourself what REALLY is important to you and making sure you form those habits.

Sounds simple, right?

My problem is I would give things like “I want to lose weight” verbal weight but I would not give it mental weight. 

I would tell myself it was a priority but would not treat it as a priority.

So what’s important to me? What’s REALLY important?

I made a mental list of what is really important to me at this time in my life and then planned a daily schedule around those things.

Priority 1 – My health. Being able to go into my closet and put something on and not feel like a bloated overweight fat cow. I am not obese but I’m also not thin. Being “thin” is NOT what I’m after either. It’s more about my mental state of FEELING good about my body. Feeling good about the way I look in the mirror. Feeling good about the way my clothes fit me.

Reality – If health REALLY ranks 1st on my list then I HAVE TO EXERCISE and EAT BETTER. No excuses.

Priority 2 – My house. I have a tendency to BINGE/PURGE with my house. I will let the house get so out of control – and I don’t mean just clutter. I mean CLEAN. It’s a horrible feeling to look around the house and get totally depressed about the state of things and all the work that is required to clean it. I am not a house cleaning nut by any stretch of the imagination nor are my kids. I am not the mom that is barking at them on Saturdays to spend the day cleaning house. I lived through that as a kid and I don’t want to do that to my kids. On the other hand, it’s too easy for me to say “I’m not your maid” and not do anything. I do believe in regular chores which my kids do every day. They just aren’t CLEANING chores.

Reality – While I’m not anyone’s maid, I also can’t stand toothpaste in the bathroom sink ALL THE TIME and no one else doing anything about it. If the house brings out a funk in me then I HAVE TO MAINTAIN IT EVERY DAY. No excuses.

Priority 3 – My mental state. If I keep up with #1 and #2, I think my mental state will certainly be better. But I also want to be able to “live in the moment” more too. I think practicing Yoga really helps that.

Reality – I need to go back to doing yoga and meditation EVERY DAY. No excuses.

Farther down on the priority list – for this moment in time – is developing a business to make some extra money. It’s there on the list but it absolutely isn’t at the top anymore.

Newly added to the list of things I want to do is writing. I want to get in the habit of writing every day. Even if no one is listening.

Where to start?

With both my previous weight loss and my business success, the same thing got me started. Small EVERY DAY momentum pushes.

Not balls to the wall, I’m so happy to start this and I’m so damn focused that I’m going mach 5 with my hair on fire only to burn out in 3 weeks when I don’t see immediate results or even worse see the scale move the wrong way.

When I was 30, I could go balls to the wall more. Sure I’d have cycles where I’d have to have some serious downtime. But I could handle big binge/purge swings. I can’t handle those anymore without getting sucked down the rabbit hole.

I just have to face that I’m older and living like that is not my reality anymore.

So… small EVERY DAY momentum pushes…

With the Body for Life program, it was go to the gym for ONLY 20 MINUTES and push yourself hard for those 20 minutes. When the time was up WALK OUT OF THE GYM. I really did follow the program that way when I first started. And 13 years later, I’ve learned that my weight loss back then was more about the HABIT building than it was about what I was doing at the gym. As my habit got stronger, my time and intensity picked up.

By then the habit of going to the gym was already formed (12+ weeks) so it could withstand the intensity change of my workouts. That’s the step I believe I’ve been missing. I’ve been trying to change the intensity levels before the habit is truly formed.

With RTech, I was doing a lot of free design for WAHMs in the beginning. A LOT. I wasn’t focused on making money. My attitude at the time was to help people as I learned more about web design and built my portfolio. In reality what I was creating was a tribe – although at the time it was not called that. Chris Brogan wasn’t Chris Brogan yet. But all those people I helped (or a good chunk of them) became RTech hosting clients 2 years later. Web hosting became my primary business as RTech evolved.

I need to get back to my roots. But I need some help this time. I came up with a daily schedule for myself. I’m not locking myself into this schedule BUT it is posted on my fridge and I see it every day. It helps a lot.

For house projects, I take the other 30 minutes of that house cleaning hour to do the following.

On Thursday’s is my grocery shopping day so on that day I don’t go to the gym. I’ve also been keeping to a better laundry schedule and am able to wash the kids bed clothes way more regularly now.

I’m not totally regimented but I try to make sure things are happening every day. I go to the gym or go out for a walk EVERY DAY. I straighten up the house EVERY DAY – only 30 minutes. House projects vary – cleaned refrigerator one day, cleaned the freezer the next, organize the bath closet, organize the pantry, etc. Things that for the most part will take under 30 minutes if I concentrate on my effort.

The one thing I haven’t been able to really pick up is momentum for “designing / working”. I’m hoping it’ll come soon or maybe I just need to find a different path.

Good Habits

I highly recommend the app Good Habits. I have been keeping daily track of my habit building. I like this app because I can go through and check off quickly if I’ve done the habit today. It also shows my streak vs total.

But what I really like about this habit app is the ability to select specific days for each habit. This is useful when you won’t do a habit on Sat/Sun or if you have something you do once a week. Then you keep an unbroken streak for your habit. Love that!  I don’t have gym checked for Thursdays since I use that time to go Grocery shopping.

The app also comes with a reminder setting but I haven’t used that. This app is more about helping my mental focus.

Wow did this post turn into craziness. And I don’t call myself a writer… sheesh…

I promised myself I would start writing regularly on this blog… regularly as in EVERY DAY write something… anything…

Once again I find myself at a loss of what to write so I’m just going to start putting words down and writing. I KNOW once I START writing, I tend to fill pages.

I tend to bleed words. Ironic.

Why is it so damn hard to start then?

Not so Random Thoughts

Over the past two days since I wrote my mid-life crisis time for a change post, I’ve been thinking of what I’d do if I could do anything… and the same two nonsensical things keep popping into my head.

They float in and out of my thoughts and turn up over and over again. They’ve been with me for years.

1. RUNNING.  I have absolutely NO CLUE where my obsession with running came from. I AM NOT GOOD AT RUNNING. I can’t run far. I can’t run fast. I can’t even run well. I have NEVER been a good runner. Had I been a good runner I would have been a better basketball player in high school and college. I would have run the court better. But I sucked at running. Running is damn hard. So why does the thought of being a runner play in my head all the time?

2. WRITING.  I find this one laughable. I have had this infatuation with writing a book for a very very long time. But just like running… I’ve NEVER liked writing either. I was not an English major and ran screaming from every writing class. I was a math geek. I was a computer geek. I double majored in both. I minored in Economics. Why no major in Economics? Because the remaining 300-400 level classes I needed to complete that major included WRITING MAJOR PAPERS. Terrifying! I was NOT a writer.

Infatuation with Running

I actually DID attempt to become a runner. Back in 2010, I posted about my first attempt at trying the Couch to 5K program. I say first attempt because I fell off the wagon after a few months but then I got back on and ran again in 2011 and then again in 2012. I ran my first 5K last year. I also ran a Mother’s Day 5k with my daughters in May 2012 which I thought I blogged about but I can’t find that post. I had been planning on running both of those races again this year, but in February I broke my left ankle in two spots. Cast for 6 weeks and then rehab which 6 months later I’m STILL working at.

Is my infatuation with running over because I broke my ankle? A sane person would think so – especially since I am NOT A RUNNER. I never had a habit of running nor am I a lifetime runner.

During the summer my best friend asked me if I wanted to sell my Garmin watch to her hubby who was running a mountain race. I said no.

“No? No? Why not? You aren’t ever going to run again.” Seems a perfectly reasonable reaction seeing that I BROKE MY ANKLE at age 41.

I told her I planned on running again. I was hoping to start up when the kids went back to school in Sept.

Well it’s now September and I’m nowhere near close to running again. Hell I’m lucky to walk 3 miles and I certainly can’t walk 3 miles every day. My ankle is not ready. Disappointing.

I am most irritated that my ankle still hurts EVERY DAY. It hurts when it’s starting a walk, during a walk and after a walk. It hurts in the morning getting out of bed. It hurts getting up after sitting awhile. It hurts at random times of the day. Frustrating.

But… just yesterday I was out walking with hubby telling him I want to run again. Hopeful.

Since I obviously am not ready to run right this moment – 6 months after the break – I am setting my sights on running in April next year. That will be over a year from the break.

I have no clue if that’s reasonable or not. But damn… running is still in my head. I really don’t know why. I can’t explain it. 

I just know that the only way to get it out is to run again.

To Write or Not to Write

I have no clue why writing is in my head. I am NOT a writer. But then I am.  Look at this post… started off as a “just start” and look at all these words.

I often do that when writing. I can write novels for e-mails. E-mails that I myself would skim over and never read all the way through.

I’ve had this idea of writing a book in my head for years…

I think the first time the thought became palpable was the day my Dad died. There is a story there. A story that’s needing to be told – demanding to get out. I’ve tossed it around in my head for close to 10 years now. I even have the opening sentence.

Have I ever written a physical word of that story? No.

I play the story out in my head. Write the story out in my head. But I’ve never sat down long enough to write the story down. I am not a writer.

I enjoyed writing a long time ago when I was in 8th grade. I was 13-14 at the time….almost 30 years ago. My 8th grade English class was all creative writing. We’d write stories. The teacher would give a prompt or idea or something and we’d have to write a story.

I don’t ever remember writing papers or book critiques or anything like that in that class. I don’t even recall reading a lot at that age. My kids read way more than I did when I was in 8th grade.

But I loved writing those stories. I wasn’t half bad either. More often than not my stories would be picked to be read in front of the class. Hated the public reading but the class seemed mesmerized by my stories. In fact I remember one day when the person who was reading after me said they didn’t want to go because they couldn’t top my story. The teacher allowed them to read their story the next day.

I think I saved some of those stories – maybe 3 or 4. But I have no idea where they are now. I was so proud of them.

My Dad was an avid reader. We had books everywhere in our house. Walls of bookcases. He read ALL THE TIME. And he’d write poetry. I don’t think he ever tried writing a story though. If he did I never knew.

My Dad had this way of judging you with and without words. He was a literary snob for lack of a better word choice.

I remember one time I brought home a Stephen King book from the library. I love reading horror and always have. My Dad flipped out. He never liked Stephen King and King’s books were banned from our house. Seriously. Banned.

I honestly don’t know why he never liked King. I don’t know if it was the subject of horror or what exactly. I have always thought King was a great character writer. He has a way of bringing his characters to life. You are on the journey with those characters in his books – horror or not.

Since I liked reading and writing horror and sci-fi type stories, to my 8th grade mind, it translated to my Dad never liking what I read or wrote; thus not liking me. I don’t remember ever sharing my 8th grade stories with him. I didn’t want the judgment or criticism. I would never read around him unless it was a book he recommended so it appeared like I never read.

So what happened to my writing besides my Dad?

Freshmen Honors English.

And the writing stopped.

It is ironic that the one person who made me fear writing and “being myself” is also the same person that may just give writing back to me. One day I may be brave enough to write the story of my Dad’s death.

One day.

I think this has been a long time coming for me.

I’ve been lost lately. Like really lost. And I don’t like to admit things like this out in public.

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs trying to find a “magic solution” to help me get back on track. In my heart of hearts, I KNOW there is no “magic solution” and I’ve always detested people who thought that.

I guess I’ve been looking for inspiration… motivation… some way to figure out what the hell I should be doing.

I’m 42 years old and feel like my life is starting to slip away from me. If I were to die tomorrow, what would I have really accomplished besides giving birth to my kids?

What would I be known for? Who would my life have impacted? What stories did I tell? Who did I help along the way? WHO THE HELL WAS I?

It scares me because I don’t have a good answer for any of those questions.

For most of my life I’ve been scared of things… a lot of things… all of those fears really equate to one – the FEAR of REALLY living.

On the flip side, I’ve also done things that other people would never do – like start a business from home when my twins were 3 months old.

During my blog readings, I’ve been coming up against the same thing over and over again… and that is to just

BE YOURSELF – Put YOU out there and don’t care what other people think.

THAT IS SO HARD FOR ME.

Not that I really care what other people think of me. I don’t really. I’m definitely not one of those people who are constantly on Facebook or Twitter asking for other’s people’s opinions on EVERYTHING before making a decision. I can’t stand that.

It’s more that I don’t want to bring attention to myself. If I just blend in and “be normal” then I won’t bring on dissension or haters or people that think I’m stupid or whatever…

The Blog Post that Changed My Thinking

This blog post by Brian Gardner got me to take the first step of putting myself out there – his “alter-ego” wrote it… HA!

He is certainly way more successful and better known in his industry than I am in mine and he has been struggling with putting his “real persona” out there for public consumption. Just being himself.

His bio really resonated with me. Especially the part where he created a business that was working him into the ground. He ended up partnering with another group of people to take that ONE PERSON DOING EVERYTHING away letting him focus on what he really wanted to do.

That was me with RTech Solutions back in 2004. I had built RTech into a decent business for myself – where I was actually paying myself a decent salary monthly – a salary that was on track to bring in more than my husband was making at the time. But the STRESS of that business was costing me my sanity. I was always online. Always working. Always stressed – even on vacations. I tried to find a partner but in the end I just couldn’t give up control of my baby. So instead of doing what Brian did, I chose to sell RTech and walk away.

I don’t think I’ve ever really found my back from that. Not that I want to be in the web design/hosting business.

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT.

But RTech was a legitimate business with customers that depended on me AND where I was earning a real living.

THAT’S what I’m struggling to get back to… the “Real Business” part.

After reading Brian’s post about changing his PERSONAL blog around and starting to just write whatever the hell HE WANTED to write instead of what he thought others thought or wanted, I started thinking about doing the same.

I’m definitely in an industry – digital scrapbooking – where putting the real you out there could get a lot of push back – A LOT. Women can be catty, mean and just plain bitches.

I am not much of a people person. I tend to be a loner – partly because I’m very shy in person and partly because casual acquaintances just don’t appeal to me. I hate small talk. I’ll say “Hi” and be friendly but I don’t tend to elaborate much past that. I think it takes 4-5 times of talking to someone very very very casually before I’ll say anything of real substance to the person.

The internet helps me with that some. While I’m not outgoing and won’t post every piece of minutia about my life on Facebook or my blog, I will say more on my blog or in an e-mail than I might if I met you in person.

I can write and talk freely when I’m comfortable with what I’m talking about. If I’m not comfortable (and that’s more often than I’d care to admit), I don’t say a damn word – even at family gatherings. My “family” outside of my husband and kids don’t really know much about me.

I’m tired of hiding

I really am.

I’m tired of making a commitment to myself and then not following through on it.

I’m tired of living day to day without a purpose. I am so ready for a change.

I’m taking the first step towards this self-evolution starting with this blog. It’s been close to two years since I wrote anything on here and that’s about to change.

I absolutely loved the clean look of Brian’s blog when reading it on my iPad. I loved that it was so simple – just the post – no sidebar extravaganza crap running down the sides, no extra fluff… I wanted to buy that theme and install it here. But it’s currently not available for purchase. I have never been a Genesis user. I’ve thought about it but never jumped. I decided to purchase the Sixteen Nine theme and give Genesis a try. I can’t say I’m thrilled with Genesis. There is definitely a learning curve and I still have to get my head around working with a framework. It took me way too long to figure out simple things like removing the category display from each post. But in the end I was able to tweak Sixteen Nine enough to look a lot like his current site.

For now… I really love the simplicity of this new look. I am happy with it.

This is me.

This is who I am in this moment.